The thinking man's guide to drinking : Cover Stories - MensHealth

The thinking man's guide to drinking : Cover Stories - MensHealth

The thinking man's guide to drinking

Thousands of drinks ago, I was 18 and on my way to college. Picture a yellow Ambassador taxi, packed with kid brothers and sisters and bags full of blue jeans and boxer shorts. Picture a day tipsy with hope. When the last bag-soap, shampoo and sneakers-had been lugged inside the train, and the goodbyes said, my Brigadier father asked to have "a private word" with me.

As mom waited inside, we walked out to the platform and huddled up. I prepped for an emotional farewell, maybe an exhortation to seize the opportunity. "There's something important you should know," he began. I steeled myself for an adage about diligence.

"Never forget," he said, softly, plainly, "that if a man your size drinks a fifth of whisky in less than three hours, there's a good chance-make it 75 to 80 per cent-of alcohol-induced coma and death." This stiff drink was served straight up, undiluted. Then he patted my face in affirmation and both of us jogged back into the blue coach. "Good luck," he shouted, just when the train started moving out of the platform.

From where I sit now, that moment distills our gender's dance with alcohol. Go forth and flourish, said the buoyant day. But take care of yourself, said the sage. On more than a few occasions I have drunk more than a man ought to. I'm prepared to believe my friend's claim that I once hailed a cab while lying on my back outside a club.

But whatever my excesses, I've never drunk enough to forget my father's indelible sentence. The phrase "alcohol induced coma" is a real thirst quencher. From that day to this, his biology lesson has watched over his boy.

Our link to drink is as complicated as they come. It makes us happy and connected as surely as it makes us reckless, sick, unemployed, and dead. Drinking is both the froth in the beer glass and the despair at the bottom of a rum bottle.

But we need to find equipoise when it comes to drinking. Our brain is the tool of choice. If we can think right, we can drink right. And so this is a spirit guide to spirits. If it sometimes sounds like no fun, deal with it. Friends don't let friends do alcohol wrong. But just swirl these drinking rules around in your head and they may help you safely glean all the gusto from your glass.

Rule no 1: Be the master of your own drink
Even if you're the boss of nothing else, when it comes to your intoxicants, you're Don Corleone. (You have a choice between Brando and Pacino) Choose a few favourites with intention. Adopt a brand of beer-or even two, a summer ale and a go-to winter brew. Pick a red and a white. You can like their taste or dig their label, but the fact is this: a man has preferences, and you should claim yours.

Go beyond brands to a cocktail. Any signature cocktail, especially one your friends have never heard of marks you as a man who makes choices, which in turn says you might just be the author of your life.

And FYI, chicks dig guys who write the script. While you shouldn't be shy about what you like, do not under any circumstances flirt with finicky. Real men are discerning, but they're not disabled if things are not just so. One sign that you're too fine-tuned: you swipe more cards at random nightclubs than at your local departmental store.

Rule no 2: Listen to your liquor
She's right, you know. You need to pay closer attention to things. Apparently we men miss a thousand small daily elations that members of the other sex are being enriched and calmed by every time they inhale. Of course, it was precisely that male reluctance to stop and smell the roses that got us the high score with you know whom. But even so, we could savour a bit more and still be the get-it-done guys on whom the girls have come to depend. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,